Is She Pulling Away or Playing It Safe?
Is he moving too slow, or is she still healing from the guy who disappeared after sex?
This week, Sarah’s taking the mic to unpack this listener letter about dating, cultural expectations, and what consistency really looks like.
I’ve been on a date twice with a woman I met on Plenty of Fish. Both dates felt easy and fun, so I was surprised when I noticed she’d reactivated her profile on Plenty of Fish.
When messaging later that day, I mentioned I’d seen her back on the POF and was curious to find out why and how things were going between us.
She let me know she had reactivated it that day and said "Yeah, I guess I’ve just been unsure where things are going between us. I really do enjoy spending time with you and talking to you., but I’m still trying to understand what I’m feeling or if we have the connection. How about you , where’s your head at?"
She explained that in Filipino culture, “courtship” is built on small, consistent gestures of effort and intention. No serenades required just steady presence."
I told her I’ve genuinely liked getting to know her and respect moving at a comfortable pace for both of us.
Shen then mentioned, "To be honest, my understanding of courtship is a bit influenced by how I was raised — Filipino culture kind of shaped me to believe that if someone’s serious about you, they’ll make effort, even in small ways. For us, it’s not just dating for fun, it’s showing consistency, patience, and respect… especially at the start. It doesn’t have to be old-school like serenades or anything, but I appreciate it when someone’s intentional and not just going with the flow and I am seeing that in you anyways. I am just confuse if is it the same ways you do it in here. Sorry for the confusion."
Currently, she basically said she wants to take it slow, as that's how she builds connection and trust, and we have another date lined out for next week.
I would appreciate your thoughts on this, as I am confused since I thought things were going well. The other factor may be that she said she dated a guy for 3 months some time ago, and he said all the right things, and they were intimate, and he basically ghosted her, so I'm not sure if this may also have something to do with it.
Hoping you either reply personally or discuss this on your channel.
This woman sounds like she's being tactfully straightforward and communicating her expectations. Here's my understanding of what she's communicating, in addition to what she's saying:
I guess I’ve just been unsure where things are going between us. I really do enjoy spending time with you and talking to you., but I’m still trying to understand what I’m feeling or if we have the connection. How about you , where’s your head at?
My guy, she wants you to explicitly state what you're looking for: 1. Do you want to get married? 2. Do you want to have kids? 3. If so, what's your (ideal) timeline for these events? It's very reasonable for her to want to know these things after two dates, and she's not proposing to you -- she just wants to make sure your goals are aligned so she doesn't waste her time. If you haven't yet arrived at an answer to all three questions, just share what you feel confident in knowing and be upfront about any uncertainties.
In Filipino culture, “courtship” is built on small, consistent gestures of effort and intention. No serenades required, just steady presence.
She's giving you two key insights: 1. Her culture (and by extension, I'd guess, her family) is important to her. That'll be useful for you to know later, if you continue seeing each other. It's also an invitation for you to share about your relationship with your family (if you're comfortable doing so now). 2. More tellingly, her use of the word 'courtship' was a deliberate choice; she's telling you she wants romance, and she wants you to be a gentleman. Basically, she's hoping to find someone who demonstrates that he values her. This, too, seems reasonable to me and, to be clear, there are lots of completely free ways to demonstrate that you value someone. So, this isn't about money.
Ok, to be fair, dating does cost money, but you needn't spend beyond your means in order to demonstrate that you're a gentleman. You've heard the expression, "Dress for the job you want, not the job you have," right? So apply that philosophy to dating. Dress just a little bit nicer than the venue requires -- but also, book the next date in advance, and be attentive and try to anticipate her needs (e.g. If she's wearing heels and it's raining, drop her off at the door). In other words, behave as though you believe she's (a little bit) out of your league.
For us, it’s not just dating for fun, it’s showing consistency, patience, and respect… / she wants to take it slow, as that's how she builds connection and trust.
Don't expect sex right away.
I appreciate it when someone’s intentional and not just going with the flow.
She's looking for her husband/long-term partner.
Now, let's go back to the part you skipped over, which is where you "noticed she’d reactivated her profile." It sounds like she got the impression from you that you were dating casually, and not necessarily interested in a long-term commitment. And then, clearly, she pulled back to an extent that prompted you to go looking online for verification of where you stand. You both need to use your words, but it's clear that she's looking for you to initiate that conversation. Is that reasonable? Don't overthink this -- it's what she wants, and that's all you need to know in order to know what you should do next. If you genuinely want to find out whether you two could be A Thing, then you'll be happy to meet her expectations of courtship. But if that's not where you're at or that sounds like a chore to you, then you should respect her time and let her go.